An Apology to My Body

Dear Body,

I’m so sorry.  I’ve treated you like shit for the last 32 years and I’m sorry.  It’s a wonder that you’re still with me. 

I’m sorry for hating you. I am sorry for thinking such ugly, toxic thoughts about you.  I’m sorry for all of the awful things I’ve said about you—in private and to others—and I’m sorry for never thinking you were good enough.  I’m sorry for comparing you to impossible, unrealistic standards and shaming you for not being able to meet them.  I’m sorry for starving you, for feeding you garbage, for trying to force you to change, to be something you were never meant to be.  I’m sorry for not recognizing your beauty.  

I’m sorry for the times I’ve ignored your needs.  I’m sorry for the times that you were trying to tell me that something was wrong with you and I ignored you and pushed you farther than you could go.  I’m sorry for forcing you to wash one more sink of dishes or do one more load of laundry when all you needed was to rest.  I’m sorry for pushing you to the point of exhaustion.  I know that I have caused a lot of your troubles and pain by expecting too much of you.  You’ve had a rough couple of years, and I haven’t been sensitive to that change.  I keep expecting you to function as though you were completely healthy—you’re not.  I know that.  And you may never be again.  I’m sorry for putting those unrealistic expectations on you.  I’m sorry for getting so easily frustrated with you.  I know I need to accept that and help you learn to function in this frustrating new normal: seizures and side effects and migraines and exhaustion.  

I’m hoping that—since you are still with me, miraculously—the future can be better for us.  I hope to learn to listen to you and give you what you need.  I hope to take better care of you.  I hope to learn to love you just as you are, even though you are not what you used to be.  I hope to help you keep faith.  I hope to learn patience and practice it on you.  I hope to appreciate you and be proud of you.  I hope that we can learn to be strong together. 

Please, don’t give up on me just yet. 

I need you.